Teen pregnancy isn't in itself terrible. For most of history, women were "teens" or close enough by our standards when they had their first children -- because most people in history married at an age we consider young.
But pregnancy out of wedlock at any age is a tragedy and is devastating for the child.
Very often, we look at the issue only from the point of view of the mother. We hardly ever consider what not having a father bound to the mother in holy matrimony means to a child.
A lot of harm has been done by trying to normalize unwed pregnancy and by tying it to the age of the mother instead of her marital status.
(Today in the US, the average age for marriage is 30, which is a tragedy for society as a norm -- of course any individual woman may have reasons for it.)
I recommend watching the movie The Well-Digger's Daughter (2011) for some insight into this truth. It's a beautiful film on a cinematic and symbolic level (not everything in it is meant to be taken as a literal or even psychological fact).
I don't have it handy now, but I saw some statistic that the majority of teen pregnancies are from men in their 30s. You have vulnerable girls getting preyed upon and then society wants to judge them forever based on that.
ReplyDeleteGod gave us the example: when Mary became pregnant with Jesus, God did not leave her to be a single mother. God authorized and encouraged Joseph to be her husband and raise Jesus as his earthly father as a pattern for the rest of us. We as a society can do better about teaching the truth about families. When a young woman and the young man are not ready to form a family, then the best option is to relinquish the baby to an adoptive couple to be raised in a two parent family. If the expectant couple are at an age and in a situation to take responsibility they should form a family by getting married.
ReplyDeleteYears ago I was at a baby shower for a teen single mom and overheard the mother of one of her friends urgently asking the daughter "When are you going to give me a grandchild?" I was aghast, and the poor young woman kept saying I'm not ready to do that. I chimed in to the girl, "Stick to your guns and wait until you get married to have children. It's so much easier and better for everyone if you do." The mother looked daggers at me. But I wanted to support the girl in her desire to do things right and not be pressured by a stupid mother.
Exactly! The mothers are somewhat driving the bus here even by saying that "teen pregnancy is not a disaster." What are teens to think?
DeleteThe real issue is ARE YOU MARRIED.
And parents need to protect their unmarried daughters!!
I just have to chime in here and say that if they have had sex before they are ready to form a family (merely because of age or situation), wouldn't it be better for the community around this couple to fight hard to do what they can to help them get there before merely "relinquishing" the baby. I've seen it done with grandparents keeping the baby for years while the mother got off drugs (and married a more stable man than the father). I'm offering this as an extreme example, but I could see a more innocuous situation, like two sixteen year olds getting married (is that legal anywhere?) and living in a parents' basement until the young man can get a proper job, however the family might decide. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it seems to me that God allows single-parent families as well, and it's more important for a community to come alongside a pregnant mother and keep the baby in the community/family than that the child merely have a married mother and father, regardless of communal or biological connection.
DeleteI am saying that a connection by community and biology, especially to a mother, is more important for a baby than married parents [if it must be achieved by adoption... ie, if my husband dies, should I put my children up for adoption?]. I am saying this while agreeing with everything Leila said... I would rather our society connect pregnancy with marital status than age. It's worse to be an unwed mother at any age than a teen mother. I am saying this as a person who mourns for children of divorced parents, myself included. I am trying to ensure that my comments are not construed as minimizing the importance of marriage and children having married parents.
Courtney, I think an article I wrote for Catholic Answers last year speaks to your very valid concern!
Deletehttps://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/an-option-for-pregnancy-outside-marriage
Leila, yes, your article resonated with me fully! I'm thinking about how you mention the permanence of the decision to put a child up for adoption. Our (especially christian) society looks at adoption as a sort of permanent relief to a mother with a crisis pregnancy, I think too quickly. The best option will be to find creative ways to restore and redeem a family, and like marriage in general, it may seem too hard through the lens of our brokenness or even not worth it, but a mother never forgets her child. Adoption is no easy solution. I love the idea of including ministries to fathers in crisis pregnancy centers. You have put a seed of an idea in my mind.
DeleteI so appreciate this oasis of truth and common sense!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI’m so glad to see someone acknowledge this truth. My parents were teens when I was born. Among many painful things, I have really struggled with identity until I learned to focus on my identity as a child of God, because I didn’t fully belong anywhere, family wise. Even though I do my best to minimize it, it’s affecting my kids now too. A second generation. However the situation has helped my teens see on another level why God and the Church want us to save sex for marriage- so much pain could have been avoided. Not that I wish I’d never been born! I just wish the circumstances had been different.
ReplyDeleteYes -- pregnancy out of wedlock has consequences, *for the child*.
DeleteI had a baby out of wedlock, when I was just out of official teenager status (the birth was after I had turned twenty but I was pregnant as a nineteen-year-old). Marriage was considered, as I had come from a practicing Catholic family and had only moved away from the faith not two years previous,but decided a bad choice as the father was unwilling and also the marriage itself may have been disastrous. I say may because you never know what God brings of things. Anyway, I kept our kiddo and was a single mom for two more years before marrying my husband, who was not Catholic at that point (though honestly I was barely so at that point and for another couple years). It was not ideal, agreed. It was likely not healthy for our son, agreed. Not in the way that it was actively harmful from what I can tell, just not God's plan. But I wonder, the end result is a loving father (my husband and his father now if not at the beginning, really words fail, I don't mean to be overly inclusive and mean intentions decide all but I do know that this man wanted our child even if it was not initially his own and was willing to put the work in). I wonder, do what do you think about such situations? What does the Church think? ((We have gone on to have six more children, I "reverted" to the faith and my husband converted a couple years later))
ReplyDelete(my gut reaction is that relinquishing the child is not always the best choice, but I know we tend to be very defensive in such situations.. I just wonder if, the society being what it is, we should not be so black and white. But children are certainly more important than adults' perceived rightness.. So I wanted to discuss, sort of. Maybe off topic? But it seems neither option covers all, ie neither always marriage nor always relinquish. In today's society where sleeping around is presented and pushed as normal, how do we bring these younger adults back into keeping with the Church and God's wisdom without destroying things? I would certainly have been destroyed if I had been made to give up my baby..)
DeleteI understand your question. I don't think I can address it here with the attention it deserves. God has been good to you -- it is well to ponder why. (Apart from the out-of-wedlock child question and just thinking about conversion, I often ask myself why God rescued me and not others from the state of not knowing Him. I feel the burden of praying for the others! Maybe there was some old lady praying for me!)
DeleteBut I will say that even asking the question highlights the labyrinth we find ourselves in when we don't take God's law to heart. I don't think there is a perfect answer, actually. And that's the point.
ReplyDeleteI was seventeen when I became pregnant with our first child. I cried and was ashamed, not because I was pregnant but because of what we had done outside of marriage and now everyone knew. I met with my pastor for guidance and he encouraged us to consider adoption because of my age, but we knew we wanted to be married so we never considered it. I am grateful to that priest because the very first thing that was addressed was the sin and the sacrament of reconciliation was offered and received before moving forward with anything. My husband and I were married six months after our daughter was born and we have been married for almost 23 years.
That is a lovely story of repentance.
DeleteI appreciate the way you handle this complex problem. Seldom do we hear an it putting the needs of the innocent child first. The best thing i have heard to encompass the glory and trauma that come with adoption is the phrase from a book ("Katie's story" i think? ) that adoption is a loving response to tragedy. When there is a breaking of the original family, or that family was not allowed to form to begin with, there is a deep wound in the heart of the child that nothing but God can fully heal. I am close to two families with adopted children and it is not easy or a simple answer. Either to the pain of child-loss or infertility on the one side, or to the rupture or sin of the birth family in the other. Marriage is certainly better for the child, if it can be managed, i think.
ReplyDeleteEllen (can't sign in)
You mean that the biological parents marry -- I agree.
DeleteI hope any parents reading any of this are convinced of the duty of teaching their children to be chaste. The flippant attitude of Catholics towards "teen pregnancy" leads children astray. And then the consequences for the children born this way are vast and difficult to fathom.
God's law is for our flourishing -- for our (children's!) happiness!